"Would you tell me if I had spinach in my teeth?" This question will prove surprisingly helpful if you want to build a candid and courageous culture on your team. In an analysis of hundreds of corporate values and competencies, candor, speaking up, and courage all ranked in the top ten most common. Stating these are guiding values for your company is one thing, but putting them into practice is challenging, and living these values fights some of our default human behaviors.
I am a massive fan of Kim Scott's leadership insights, and if you haven't had a chance to read her book Radical Candor, I highly recommend it. In her book, Kim unpackages the value of challenging directly while caring personally. She plots these two values out on the spectrum below:
The trouble is, if you don't have both the caring personally and challenging directly, you can find yourself in the unkind situations we often find ourselves in at work. After reading this book early in my career, I would share this idea with others, but it seldom landed with my audience. They would kind of get it, but it wasn't relatable enough since they didn't read the book - until I started talking about spinach.
Avoiding Telling Someone They Have Spinach In Their Teeth = RUINOUS EMPATHY
Have you ever seen someone you enjoyed in an embarrassing situation, like spinach in their teeth, smudge on the face, or a zipper open? Did you avoid bringing it to their attention because you didn't want to embarrass them, didn't have the chance, didn't want to be awkward, or some other reason?
This behavior happens when you care about the other person but stay silent. There is no shame here, but it's probably not what you would want the other person to do for you if you were in the same situation. Further, you may even feel sad when you find out later that you had spinach in your teeth and the people you trust and care for didn't say anything to you.
How do we move to radical candor? Think about how you would want someone who cared about you to treat you and be a reflection of what you see.
Kindly Telling Someone They Have Spinach In Their Teeth = RADICAL CANDOR
"If you had spinach in your teeth, would you want me to tell you?" "Yes!"
If we really care about each other in the workplace, then we have the courage to speak up when we see something that may be getting in the way of that person being the rockstar we know they are. This is radical candor, and candor is kind. What you see doesn't have to be right or wrong; it's your perception, but you should be able to back it up with specifics and explain its impact. What's important is showing you care by sharing your view in a place rooted with respect and wanting the other person to succeed. A meeting, group setting, or public forum may not be the right time to deliver this candor, but if we care personally, we won't push it off and will make it a priority to share.
Rudely Telling a Crowd Full of People that Someone Has Spinach In Their Teeth = OBNOXIOUS AGGRESSION
"Hey, look, Spencer has spinach in their teeth!" Whether whispering to a coworker or in a room full of people, we start getting obnoxious aggression when we start challenging each other directly but stop personally caring about the other person.
Whether it is a genuine lack of caring or a perceived one, both situations are disruptive, degrade engagement, and leave everyone feeling a bit worse. Compared to not saying anything at all, you prefer they stay silent.
How do we move to radical candor? This behavior is rooted in a lack of personal caring for the other person. Recognize this when you see it in others or yourself, and start empathizing with your fellow human. Take the time to get to know who you work with and remind yourself or others that everyone deserves respect to move from obnoxious aggression to radical candor.
Gaslighting Somone That They Don't Have Anything In Their Teeth When They Do = MANIPULATIVE INSINCERITY
"Did you all see Spencer at that meeting yesterday? He was so unprofessional with spinach in his teeth the whole time." Have you ever been in a room where someone is challenging someone's ideas, beliefs, intelligence, or skill when they are not in the room? This behavior is manipulative insincerity, and it's what happens when we don't care personally and stay silent. This manifests as passive aggression, backstabbing, silent contempt, and various other poor behaviors.
How do we move to radical candor? We are as far away from radical candor as possible, but the start of improvement is adding empathy while remaining silent. Knowing who we are talking about and caring for them personally can move this into ruinous empathy. From there, you can show that truly caring is not staying silent and moving someone toward radical candor.
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